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Ask Petunia
Dear Petunia
Is it wrong to find physical pleasure from being milked? I mean...I'm a cow, and he's a farmer, there is no chemistry, but the actual touch of his hands on my teats just ease every nerve in my body, and even my hooves melt.
A Nervous Nelly
Don't be Nervous Nelly!
It's perfectly normal to experience pleasure at being milked, not only does it give you a sense of worth but it helps relieve that ever building pressure! I must warn against becoming too obvious about how much you enjoy being milked though, as evidenced by this poor cow. I'm a cow
- Petunia
Dear Petunia.
Last Tuesday my old friend "Jesse" was led away by our human behind the ranch house. He went as docile as a good cow should, but I am confused. You see it's been about a week now and he's yet to come out of the shed. The rancher comes by the corral every now and again and looks at me the same way he did "Jesse" and this has me wondering. What is that shed is so amazing that Jesse has not wanted to come out? Why doesn't Jesse come tell me about his new home? And what is that smell that comes from the fire pit on Saturday?
- Confused and Excited
Dear Confused,
Jesse has gone to a better place, this is true. But that place is not in the shed, he now grazes with the Lord Bovine upon the greener grass on the other side. I don't know how to put this in a more tactful way so I'm going to have to give it to you bluntly; Jesse has come out of the shed, one peice at a time. As for the smell, if you don't understand my reply, you don't want to know. Needless to say, I appreciate this letter from one who soon will no longer need to worry about much. Please forward your subscription to Cowsmopolitan to someone else in the herd as a 'gift', they will appreciate it and will remember the gesture. And to the rest of our readers I'd like to give you some pointers to possibly help your chances.
1) blend in with the herd, humans are lazy. Humans would rather not have to walk to far or look to hard, if you're in the middle there's allot of choices before the see you
2) don't eat too much! A fat cow is a tender cow
3) lastly it's been reported that some human calves, especially the young heifers tend to grow attached to anything they percieve as "cute". Befriend the little ones, many adult humans cannot withstand the emotions of their young.
4) If all else fails. RUN FOR IT!!
Dear Petunia
I just wanted to take an oportunity to let everyone know that the grass is actually the same on the other side. Last week the gate was left open and I wandered off a little, it was odd but I found that the grass on the other side of the fence was the same as that inside... except if you go out a little further the grass is not really greener, it's just taller! More grass for me!
- Grazing in Gresham
Dear Grazing
I've heard the rumors about the grass as well and I'm delighted to hear you've had a chance to explore. Just watch how much you eat, it seems the bigger bovines seem to vanish first... and one must watch her figure! I think I'll take a stroll sometime myself when next that gate is left open, but those prods do tend to sting a bit. Maybe I'll just stick around and let you do the exploring.
DEAR PETUNIA,
I AM HAVING AN ISSUE WITH MY SKIN IN A VERY DELICATE AREA, MY UDDERS. I KNOW THAT DURING THE COLD WINTER MONTHS MY SKIN SEEMS TO DRY OUT MORE AND CRACK AS WELL. WHAT I WANTED TO KNOW IS, ARE ALL UDDER CREAMS THE SAME? I TALKED TO MY GIRL COW FRIENDS AND THEY ALL SAY NO, SOME HAVE ALOE AND SOME HAVE VITAMIN E, THEY ALL SEEM TO HAVE DIFFERENT INGREDIENTS. I GUESS WHAT I TRULY WANT TO KNOW IS THIS, DOES IT MATTER WHICH ONE I USE OR SHOULD I JUST TRY A FEW DIFFERENT ONES AND FIGURE OUT WHICH ONE WORKS BEST FOR ME. ARE THEY ALL REALLY DIFFERENT OR I AM JUST BEING UDDERLY RIDICULOUS?
YOURS TRULY,UDDERLY RIDICULOUS
Dear Udderly,
I've found on those cold dry days that nothing helps me more than Udder Balm. I hate to sound like a commercial but this stuff is great! I've even seen the humans wife using this stuff. Stop by http://www.originaludderbalm.com/ and hopefully you will pick it up. I do suggest however that you let the humans apply it, it does not taste very good if you apply it with your tongue.
-- Petunia