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When I'm out with a bull, especially a newcomer, I worry about the my cud getting caught between my teeth. Not so much from later digestions, but mostly from the initial eating, and first and second stomach chamber, as you and your readers know, before it's had time to really digest.

I know older bulls could care less, but I've heard some of the younger bulls can get picky at times. To not chew would be un-bovine. Is there something I could do to help prevent this, or is it not even worth worrying about?

Cud Lover

Dear Cud Lover;

Chew your cud with pride! Remember that to chew cud is your given right, to deny you that right is to deny you that wich makes you bovine! It's not so much the cud that is a problem, but the Bull that you are with.

I know how important it is to attract the attention of a strong young bull, but who wants to mate with a bull that cannot handle a bit of food? If it really bothers you, I would suggest either using your toungue to dislodge the offending portion or make sure your human is doing his part as well! Tell your human to stop by and see if he can get you an appointment, if you are not in that area, they still should be able to give you a hand.

Either way, chew your cud and be proud of your rumination. If your bull cannot stand the sight of your cud, then maybe it's time to find another bull.

Dear Petunia,
I work security to a power company site across from a farm. The farmers herd the cows into the milking area at around 1:00am in the morning. This conflicts with my childhood that cows should be milked no earlier then 4:00am. I understand that this is Phoenix, AZ and that temps get quite high in the day, but is this any reason to discard the entire firmly established ritual? Will the cows be expected to be mounted Three hours earlier? Will the bull's viagra will have had enough time to kick in by then? Why must this atrocity be allowed to continue? I look to you Oh Bull Headed One for an answer.

Truly Yours in Desperate Concern,
Lost Dutchman

Dear Lost Dutchman,

Just as some homes rise early and some late, so do some farms. If this is really a concern, I suggest asking the locals what they think of this midnight milking. If they just chew their cud and look at you, they probably don't mind.

As for the mounting of a heifer, I think it's more the mood that matters. If the cow is wanting some attention, the bull should take his viagra a little sooner so as to be prepaired for an encounter.

If the cattle inform you of their dislike for the situation, maybe it's time for the bovine to run free, swing forth the gate and stampede! However, if they don't mind, there is no reason to disrupt their lives.

-- Petunia

Petunia -

Our Farmer recently decided to start getting new farm equipement, which wasn't so bad, he wants to spend more time with his family and less time on the farm - understandable. However, he has one of those automatic milking machines. The metal milkers are so cold on my teats, I don't know what to do. Can you help?

Frigid Teats

Dear Frigid Teats,

I know what you mean about those cold tubes, I still shiver at the thought of them. I suggest you express your dislike by mooing with annoyance every time he touches you with those tubes, and give him a nip if he gets close enough. Also it seems that positive re-enforcement helps as well -- I'd suggest a pleasant lick if he's nice. You could always get with your local bull and see if your human will leave you alone once you're large with calf.

Petunia -

What' the nicest way to tell our bull in the herd that his hooves are in dire need of some care, they scratch and tear at our backs when he mounts us, I don't think he's being insensative, I think he's just ignorant. What can we do?

One of the Herd.

The Dreaded hooves of steel!

I know these well for many a bull has mounted me, I find that making sure they walk about and suggest he drag his feet a bit to shave them down if the human does not already do that. Also, let him know that if he does not do SOMETHING about those hooves, you'll just have to mate with someone else in the herd!

-- Petunia